We are all made of scars

I've recently been reflecting on the impact that others have in one's own life. A friend gave me a gift which bore the words "There are those people who come into our lives and leave an impression that stays with us forever. You are one of those people. Thankyou"

I've treasured that gift and that saying. I believe that it applies heavily to relationships too. When I was in high school I experienced the rawest emotion of love that tends to happen in one's teenage years. I used to think that relationships could be like friendships, that when a friendship ends or grows apart, I would not think about it, nor lament about it later on. 

Now that I am older, although still young, I have experienced my fair share of love and heartbreak. My views on relationships and love have changed, perhaps moulded by experience and the cynicism which I've developed from such experiences. I often hear stories about people who go through painful divorces but then find another loving partner when they are 50, that they stay with for the rest of their lives. I used to marvel at the ease that they moved on, used to question whether they really loved the previous spouse or not? I would also wonder how they could love another person so wholly? 

I understand more thoroughly now, that they have not stopped thinking about the previous person, they have just simply moved on. It's as simple as that. You can pause for a moment, then move on. Move on? Doesn't that mean that the past relationship meant nothing? No, it just means that instead of wishing for a future, instead of lamenting about the past, they are ready to experience a new future with someone else. 

One of my fears is that I will regret breaking up with a partner, or regret giving a possible relationship a chance. I fear regret. That means I find it difficult to let go of relationships. I hold the belief now that every relationship someone has have is like a scar. It doesn't hurt like the open wound of continuous fighting. Most of the time we don't even acknowledge that it is there. But every now and then we catch sight of a scar and we remember...We remember how it came to be there, we remember the story before the scar, the pain of the wound and how it slowly healed and became something of the past. I believe that relationships are like that. I don't think people ever truly forget those who have impacted so heavily on their lives. 

This is why I'm afraid of letting go. I don't want to be one of those people who lament for what might have been. I don't want to regret the decisions that I made. I want to move on and remember the good times but not WANT them anymore. Part of accepting that people are like scars means accepting that I will always think about those that have played an important part in my life, for many years to come. This is fine but, the unfortunate curse (and sometimes blessing) of being a highly emotional person is that the memories unlock associated emotions. I want to remember without wishing, without feeling the pain, without feeling the happiness. The happiness is the worst. It is the happiness which projects myself to another time and space where the realities of the moment are blurred by the misty haze of a romanticised memory. The happiness is always followed by regret. I don't want to regret! If only I didn't, I would have more courage to move on.

I want to heal without a scar.