We are all made of scars

I've recently been reflecting on the impact that others have in one's own life. A friend gave me a gift which bore the words "There are those people who come into our lives and leave an impression that stays with us forever. You are one of those people. Thankyou"

I've treasured that gift and that saying. I believe that it applies heavily to relationships too. When I was in high school I experienced the rawest emotion of love that tends to happen in one's teenage years. I used to think that relationships could be like friendships, that when a friendship ends or grows apart, I would not think about it, nor lament about it later on. 

Now that I am older, although still young, I have experienced my fair share of love and heartbreak. My views on relationships and love have changed, perhaps moulded by experience and the cynicism which I've developed from such experiences. I often hear stories about people who go through painful divorces but then find another loving partner when they are 50, that they stay with for the rest of their lives. I used to marvel at the ease that they moved on, used to question whether they really loved the previous spouse or not? I would also wonder how they could love another person so wholly? 

I understand more thoroughly now, that they have not stopped thinking about the previous person, they have just simply moved on. It's as simple as that. You can pause for a moment, then move on. Move on? Doesn't that mean that the past relationship meant nothing? No, it just means that instead of wishing for a future, instead of lamenting about the past, they are ready to experience a new future with someone else. 

One of my fears is that I will regret breaking up with a partner, or regret giving a possible relationship a chance. I fear regret. That means I find it difficult to let go of relationships. I hold the belief now that every relationship someone has have is like a scar. It doesn't hurt like the open wound of continuous fighting. Most of the time we don't even acknowledge that it is there. But every now and then we catch sight of a scar and we remember...We remember how it came to be there, we remember the story before the scar, the pain of the wound and how it slowly healed and became something of the past. I believe that relationships are like that. I don't think people ever truly forget those who have impacted so heavily on their lives. 

This is why I'm afraid of letting go. I don't want to be one of those people who lament for what might have been. I don't want to regret the decisions that I made. I want to move on and remember the good times but not WANT them anymore. Part of accepting that people are like scars means accepting that I will always think about those that have played an important part in my life, for many years to come. This is fine but, the unfortunate curse (and sometimes blessing) of being a highly emotional person is that the memories unlock associated emotions. I want to remember without wishing, without feeling the pain, without feeling the happiness. The happiness is the worst. It is the happiness which projects myself to another time and space where the realities of the moment are blurred by the misty haze of a romanticised memory. The happiness is always followed by regret. I don't want to regret! If only I didn't, I would have more courage to move on.

I want to heal without a scar.

To sleep, perchance to dream

Ok so this post doesn't have much to do with suicidal thoughts. Cos that'd make me an emo :-P

I am one of those people that needs generous amounts of sleep. 8-9 hours is what I need every night in order not to feel tired or fatigued the next day. Each and every one of us who has been a student in a particularly hectic course has tried to cheat our need for sleep. Each of us has tried to study/work/attend uni with minimal amounts and usually failed in our attempts to achieve maximum performance. I remember most of my university days cursing my body's need for sleep. I remember many conversations joking about inventing a pill that equated to a few hours of sleep. "Wouldn't we be rich from that! No need to sleep anymore!"

So why DO we need sleep? It seems like such a silly concept. For the body (and mind) to require a complete shut down for a third of the day. Is it because we need a rest period for our brain to process and catalogue all that we did during the day? I think it has much more to do with the mind resting than the body. It's funny how biological beings require rest to perform better. However, with something like a car, it will run for longer kms if left running (eg like the cars used for taxis) than being turned on and off again continuously. I guess if we stayed awake all the time, the mind wouldn't be able to keep up and short circuit or something. But then wouldn't that be a flaw of design? Why not have a brain that can actively process and put away concepts and thoughts whilst we are awake. And it's not like our brain isn't active during sleep. We dream. 

I dream alot. I dream of random things. REALLY random things. From buying chicken wings and juice on special (so that I open up the fridge and wonder where I put them? Nope must have dreamt about it!) to dreaming of being a young Chinese girl in a war torn country. I find that my dreams are in colour and I can remember in great detail. One dream I had, I could remember flicking through pages of a clothes magazine. It's amazing to think that my mind CREATED this magazine, the format, what the model looked like, what position the model was in, the clothes the model was wearing, the font that the descriptions were written in. And sometimes when I wake up I can remember the smells in my dream, or even the taste. 

One of my friends told me that he hardly dreamt at all, or if he knew he did then he wouldn't remember them, let alone them be as vivid as mine. They say that vivid dreams indicate that you have a creative mind. Now it would be good if I could harness this for my art!

Emotion vs Logic

Ah, the age old conflict. Logic vs emotion. Head vs heart. Irrational vs rational. It drives me ABSOLUTELY INSANE!

I am an emotional person. Or rather, I tend to make decisions and actions based on my emotion. Don't get me wrong! I am not completely devoid of making calculated decisions. I am an intelligent person who is in a science based field of work. So it is often that my head and my heart clash. 

Whenever I become affected emotionally, my "logical" self will soothe my "emotional self" with practical solutions,  the reassurance that I will "feel better soon" and recommendations for the right decision. The "logical self" would win in a person who tends to be more rational. They are able to reign in their emotions and act upon the most sensible action. I know that this is often the best way to be, it makes SENSE in daily life and enables one to get one with life without being completely enslaved by one's feelings.

I wish this were me! I often hear my "logical self" pleading with my helpless "emotional self" to calm down and wait the storm through before making any rash decisions or actions. Often, to my dismay, does my "emotional self" ignore this sound advice and become entrenched in irrational behaviours or at least let my emotions affect my daily routine. 

It is difficult for me to let "logical self" take control. Once I am swept up in my feelings, I tend to physically feel uncomfortable. I can't stand this feeling. I need to purge, to release my emotions, to act rashly. I do know that the emotion will often not last very long but I cannot hold it in, I need to say what makes me uncomfortable, I need to question what upsets me, I need to release! If I let it build up inside it feels like a huge fireball burning away. My anger and sadness can often get so intense that I cannot see clearly. 

This is my danger zone. "Logical self" will often say 'You will not feel this way for very long, so just stop talking, stop thinking and just breathe'. When "logical self" wins and the fireball has fizzled away, "emotional self" retreats back to it's corner and I am back to my cool, calm, collected self that most people see on my exterior. Then I always promise to myself that next time I will listen to "logical self" more and ride out the emotional storm without doing anything I will regret. Then I feel content, wonder how emotional self gained so much control of me and chide myself for letting my emotions get such a firm hold of me! 

That is...until the next time! >_<

Each of us is truly unique, just like everybody else

I was driving my car down the highway bathing in it's blue shiny V8 glory. I overtook an old wagon with great ease, patted the dash to affirm my belief in my car's superiority over others on the road. 

It was then I thought to myself, "Why do I care about how fast my car is?" It is merely a vehicle which gets me from A to B. Regardless of size, shape, colour, engine capacity, every car serves the basic function of transporting people (and/or goods) from one place to another. 

My thought bubble expanded to include other things in our life. Every good is made to serve a basic function but is then improved, expanded, strengthened etc etc until you remain with something that is slightly reminiscent of the basic model. 

I am no economist (heck I never did anything but one semester of economics in high school and that explained demand and supply in the simplest of terms!) but I do realise that the product dynamics of today's society are largely driven by capitalism. There are those who think that greed is synonymous for capitalism. I don't think this is true.

But why does capitalism work? The latest recession may indicate that it HASN'T worked. Ok. So why doesn't communism work? Why do we all strive for more than the minimum?

Because we all want to be unique. We all want to be better. We are all inherently greedy. For some people, they strive to be better for themselves. For others, it is so other people will think that they are better. I find it a problem when others purchase brands so as only to appease others. 

I believe that there are products that are worth paying more for than just "what will do the job". I believe that it is important to recognise that everyone is truly unique. However, I think that there is always a challenge to be faced. I believe that everyone should strive to be a better person within.

0-100 points theory

One of my close friends has a theory. It is called the 100 points theory.

The basic principle of the theory is that everyone in the world has 100 points. These points are distributed in different skills and aspects that make up any person. For a simplified example, a model may have 80 points in looks, leaving 20 points for intelligence. Whereas a computer nerd may have 90 points for intelligence but 10 for looks. 

There are of course other aspects to people's characteristics like charisma, business skills, musical talent, fitness, artistic talent etc etc. The theory claims that everyone is essentially equal. My friend also says that these points do not necessarily manifest in the persons life. For example, a man who has lost all his money due to bad business skills may have a large weighting to something like chess playing. So if he had the opportunity to recognise and develop this talent it would get him far in the chess playing world. However, this opportunity may never arise and he may just die homeless in a gutter!

I have a few problems with this theory. 

1. I don't believe that everyone has equal points. There are definitely those in the world who are quite skilled at many things and blessed with many fruits of success. There are also those people who are terribly "unlucky" and lead a simple mediocre life. 

2. If the "skill" doesn't manifest itself then why should it be significant? What use is a chess playing championship to a homeless guy? Wouldn't he rather have more points in business management? Surely 1 point in business skills trumps the 1 point in chess skill. So I think that different skills should have different "weightings".

So MY theory is that everyone is on a scale of 0-100 points.

0 points means that the person isn't compatible with life! Eg a baby who is born with a heart defect.

100 points are those people who are talented with everything and enjoy bountiful successes in their life. Beautiful, intelligent, artistic, musical, great parents etc.

Majority of the population falls somewhere in between. 

Can we still be friends?

I have a few questions.

1. Can members of the opposite sex maintain a close, yet completely platonic friendship?

2. Is it possible to have a physical relationship with someone without either party getting attached?

3. Once the line has been "crossed" is it possible to go back to the way things were?

From my recent observations of my friend's personal lives it seems like the answer for all of the above is a cynical, straightforward no. No. NO!

So if we have the answer/result/solution to the question why must I digress further?

Because often the explanation offers much more than the answer itself. 

In the end it all comes down to emotion. Perhaps I believe that a straight out NO is the answer because I am a rather emotional person. That means that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I cannot feign happiness, consideration, cannot hide my hurt. So for me that means if I have any kind of interaction with one who would provoke emotion, I must have no more unresolved feelings, no regrets, no hurt pride, nothing. I cannot feel anything for this person anymore. 

I often used to wonder why my fellow teenage classmates used to hook up regularly on weekends with their friends. Why not just go out with them? Then I began to think that if you are friends with someone of the opposite sex and you get along with them well, and they are rather attractive, then of course there would be temptation there. For those who have no inhibitions about fulfilling their physical desires it wouldn't make sense to refuse. So if you spend lots of time with someone and ENJOY spending your time with them, whilst all the while being completely aware of how they look...something is BOUND to happen.

So what happens when a good friendship crosses the line? I believe that if there is no emotional attachment then it is possible to go back to being friends. But there is rarely a mutual indifference about the matter. It is also difficult to forget about the incident if you are friends with the person because you have to see them all the time! 

The movie "When Harry met Sally" was about these very topics. The silly thing was that they actually ended up together after hooking up! That was meant to be the happy ending and it was a wonderful happy ending! However, sometimes I wish the happy ending was that they could move past their attraction and maintain their friendship. As the saying goes "lovers come and go but friends are the ones to pick up the pieces". Losing a friendship means losing someone who will be there for you in the long run. It's just not worth it.