Give and take

I have come to a crossroad.

On my left is a reversion to my life in a committed relationship, back to the place he (and I) call home, back to the routine, back to my friends, back to adjusting my life to accommodate a relationship. Alot of give and take.

On my right is the complete opposite of the above direction. No more commitment to someone else. Completely selfish fulfilment, satiation of my own wants, my own desires without having to consider anyone else's feelings.

Or straight ahead is the same path I am taking at the moment. Perhaps neither here nor there, caught in a limbo of a relationship that is waiting for the future. This path is a dangerous path, not as well maintained as those on my left nor my right. It means continuing on with my plans whilst trying to make someone else happy as well.

I could always try going in the same direction, hoping that the potholes won't completely ruin my journey, hoping that I will eventually come to another crossroad when I am ready to turn in a direction. The risk of that is coming to:

A dead end.

What is love? (Baby don't hurt me)

What is love? I always thought that love is the selfless want for others to be better off than you are. 

Now that I am older and wiser, I know that love means caring for someone and hoping for their wellbeing. I love all my friends. I am the type of friend that wishes that they would all do well. I am also the type that wishes my acquaintances well too.

The problem is, there is a fine line between friendly, platonic love and the romantic love that fills the movies and popular songs. I care for someone. Does that mean I love them? I think it does. As I said, I love all my friends. Do I love them all in the same way though? I am not sure. I once read an article in one of those superficial magazines (cosmo, cleo, whatever) about a woman who used to date many men at once. She paralleled her experiences with men to those with friendships. "You never have one friend do you? You have friends that have different interests that you call on different occasions, depending on what you are doing and what suits them". I always thought that article was bullsh*t but now that I think about it, I reluctantly admit that it may apply to those I love. Friends, family, etc. 

Love encompasses all types of relationships. The problem is defining the line. 

We are all made of scars

I've recently been reflecting on the impact that others have in one's own life. A friend gave me a gift which bore the words "There are those people who come into our lives and leave an impression that stays with us forever. You are one of those people. Thankyou"

I've treasured that gift and that saying. I believe that it applies heavily to relationships too. When I was in high school I experienced the rawest emotion of love that tends to happen in one's teenage years. I used to think that relationships could be like friendships, that when a friendship ends or grows apart, I would not think about it, nor lament about it later on. 

Now that I am older, although still young, I have experienced my fair share of love and heartbreak. My views on relationships and love have changed, perhaps moulded by experience and the cynicism which I've developed from such experiences. I often hear stories about people who go through painful divorces but then find another loving partner when they are 50, that they stay with for the rest of their lives. I used to marvel at the ease that they moved on, used to question whether they really loved the previous spouse or not? I would also wonder how they could love another person so wholly? 

I understand more thoroughly now, that they have not stopped thinking about the previous person, they have just simply moved on. It's as simple as that. You can pause for a moment, then move on. Move on? Doesn't that mean that the past relationship meant nothing? No, it just means that instead of wishing for a future, instead of lamenting about the past, they are ready to experience a new future with someone else. 

One of my fears is that I will regret breaking up with a partner, or regret giving a possible relationship a chance. I fear regret. That means I find it difficult to let go of relationships. I hold the belief now that every relationship someone has have is like a scar. It doesn't hurt like the open wound of continuous fighting. Most of the time we don't even acknowledge that it is there. But every now and then we catch sight of a scar and we remember...We remember how it came to be there, we remember the story before the scar, the pain of the wound and how it slowly healed and became something of the past. I believe that relationships are like that. I don't think people ever truly forget those who have impacted so heavily on their lives. 

This is why I'm afraid of letting go. I don't want to be one of those people who lament for what might have been. I don't want to regret the decisions that I made. I want to move on and remember the good times but not WANT them anymore. Part of accepting that people are like scars means accepting that I will always think about those that have played an important part in my life, for many years to come. This is fine but, the unfortunate curse (and sometimes blessing) of being a highly emotional person is that the memories unlock associated emotions. I want to remember without wishing, without feeling the pain, without feeling the happiness. The happiness is the worst. It is the happiness which projects myself to another time and space where the realities of the moment are blurred by the misty haze of a romanticised memory. The happiness is always followed by regret. I don't want to regret! If only I didn't, I would have more courage to move on.

I want to heal without a scar.

To sleep, perchance to dream

Ok so this post doesn't have much to do with suicidal thoughts. Cos that'd make me an emo :-P

I am one of those people that needs generous amounts of sleep. 8-9 hours is what I need every night in order not to feel tired or fatigued the next day. Each and every one of us who has been a student in a particularly hectic course has tried to cheat our need for sleep. Each of us has tried to study/work/attend uni with minimal amounts and usually failed in our attempts to achieve maximum performance. I remember most of my university days cursing my body's need for sleep. I remember many conversations joking about inventing a pill that equated to a few hours of sleep. "Wouldn't we be rich from that! No need to sleep anymore!"

So why DO we need sleep? It seems like such a silly concept. For the body (and mind) to require a complete shut down for a third of the day. Is it because we need a rest period for our brain to process and catalogue all that we did during the day? I think it has much more to do with the mind resting than the body. It's funny how biological beings require rest to perform better. However, with something like a car, it will run for longer kms if left running (eg like the cars used for taxis) than being turned on and off again continuously. I guess if we stayed awake all the time, the mind wouldn't be able to keep up and short circuit or something. But then wouldn't that be a flaw of design? Why not have a brain that can actively process and put away concepts and thoughts whilst we are awake. And it's not like our brain isn't active during sleep. We dream. 

I dream alot. I dream of random things. REALLY random things. From buying chicken wings and juice on special (so that I open up the fridge and wonder where I put them? Nope must have dreamt about it!) to dreaming of being a young Chinese girl in a war torn country. I find that my dreams are in colour and I can remember in great detail. One dream I had, I could remember flicking through pages of a clothes magazine. It's amazing to think that my mind CREATED this magazine, the format, what the model looked like, what position the model was in, the clothes the model was wearing, the font that the descriptions were written in. And sometimes when I wake up I can remember the smells in my dream, or even the taste. 

One of my friends told me that he hardly dreamt at all, or if he knew he did then he wouldn't remember them, let alone them be as vivid as mine. They say that vivid dreams indicate that you have a creative mind. Now it would be good if I could harness this for my art!

Emotion vs Logic

Ah, the age old conflict. Logic vs emotion. Head vs heart. Irrational vs rational. It drives me ABSOLUTELY INSANE!

I am an emotional person. Or rather, I tend to make decisions and actions based on my emotion. Don't get me wrong! I am not completely devoid of making calculated decisions. I am an intelligent person who is in a science based field of work. So it is often that my head and my heart clash. 

Whenever I become affected emotionally, my "logical" self will soothe my "emotional self" with practical solutions,  the reassurance that I will "feel better soon" and recommendations for the right decision. The "logical self" would win in a person who tends to be more rational. They are able to reign in their emotions and act upon the most sensible action. I know that this is often the best way to be, it makes SENSE in daily life and enables one to get one with life without being completely enslaved by one's feelings.

I wish this were me! I often hear my "logical self" pleading with my helpless "emotional self" to calm down and wait the storm through before making any rash decisions or actions. Often, to my dismay, does my "emotional self" ignore this sound advice and become entrenched in irrational behaviours or at least let my emotions affect my daily routine. 

It is difficult for me to let "logical self" take control. Once I am swept up in my feelings, I tend to physically feel uncomfortable. I can't stand this feeling. I need to purge, to release my emotions, to act rashly. I do know that the emotion will often not last very long but I cannot hold it in, I need to say what makes me uncomfortable, I need to question what upsets me, I need to release! If I let it build up inside it feels like a huge fireball burning away. My anger and sadness can often get so intense that I cannot see clearly. 

This is my danger zone. "Logical self" will often say 'You will not feel this way for very long, so just stop talking, stop thinking and just breathe'. When "logical self" wins and the fireball has fizzled away, "emotional self" retreats back to it's corner and I am back to my cool, calm, collected self that most people see on my exterior. Then I always promise to myself that next time I will listen to "logical self" more and ride out the emotional storm without doing anything I will regret. Then I feel content, wonder how emotional self gained so much control of me and chide myself for letting my emotions get such a firm hold of me! 

That is...until the next time! >_<

Each of us is truly unique, just like everybody else

I was driving my car down the highway bathing in it's blue shiny V8 glory. I overtook an old wagon with great ease, patted the dash to affirm my belief in my car's superiority over others on the road. 

It was then I thought to myself, "Why do I care about how fast my car is?" It is merely a vehicle which gets me from A to B. Regardless of size, shape, colour, engine capacity, every car serves the basic function of transporting people (and/or goods) from one place to another. 

My thought bubble expanded to include other things in our life. Every good is made to serve a basic function but is then improved, expanded, strengthened etc etc until you remain with something that is slightly reminiscent of the basic model. 

I am no economist (heck I never did anything but one semester of economics in high school and that explained demand and supply in the simplest of terms!) but I do realise that the product dynamics of today's society are largely driven by capitalism. There are those who think that greed is synonymous for capitalism. I don't think this is true.

But why does capitalism work? The latest recession may indicate that it HASN'T worked. Ok. So why doesn't communism work? Why do we all strive for more than the minimum?

Because we all want to be unique. We all want to be better. We are all inherently greedy. For some people, they strive to be better for themselves. For others, it is so other people will think that they are better. I find it a problem when others purchase brands so as only to appease others. 

I believe that there are products that are worth paying more for than just "what will do the job". I believe that it is important to recognise that everyone is truly unique. However, I think that there is always a challenge to be faced. I believe that everyone should strive to be a better person within.