The Dead End

Well it seems the moment has finally arrived. My badly maintained path has finally come to a dead end. I am hurt, I am offended, I am tired. I don't believe that this is my fault. I believe that I am to accept some blame for the consequences, yet I recognise the steps that may have prevented the demise of this relationship. Whatever the end result, I should not be with someone who will not accept responsibility of their actions and blames me for our misunderstandings. I need someone who will discuss his feelings and reservations calmly. I don't need this at the moment. I made the decision to move to the country because I wanted to learn, I wanted to experience, wanted to be dynamic, fluid. I did not move because I wanted to tear apart this relationship. But someone who is stagnant, who resists change, who doesn't understand why anyone would explore any other options. Someone like that wouldn't understand.

2010

My new years resolutions consist of the same ideas on everyone elses. Lose weight, get fit, save money etc etc. One thing I am looking forward to this year is finally being settled. I am content with where I live. I have improved rapidly in my professional skills. I feel at ease with where I currently am in life, geographically, spiritually and financially.

2009 was in general a good year. It was the first page in a new chapter in my life. It didn't carry the pain that 2007 bore upon me, it didn't have the emotional drama and residual feelings that 2008 allowed time to heal. It was my first year out in the workforce, another step in my growth as a person. It signified a move away from the city, a large step outside my comfort zone. It introduced stability to my personal, filial and romantic relationships.

Early 2009 provided its challenges. The loneliness of spending too much time with oneself (which is very difficult for me), without friends nor family close by. There was also the challenge of working alone, facing decisions and diagnoses unaided. Late 2009 allowed me to overcome these challenges and find a balance. But December 2009 threw me a curveball. Everything I had thought I resolved was questioned. I questioned my relationship, I questioned my own character and behaviour. The most scary thing was questioning my future. Although I seem very easy going and carefree, I have always been a girl who plants the seed of ambition long before my ideas come to fruition. I make plans to move back in 12 months, but that was dependent upon my relationship. If my relationship is non existent then my plan is void and I am left with a blank canvas. How exciting and terrifying it is at the same time!

I believe that 2010 will be the year which provides the answers to these questions. Or at least the information that I need to be able to formulate an answer. Even so, I won't try to dictate my life too stringently. I want 2010 to be a fun year for me. I want to float around and play and resist responsibility for a little while longer.

Yes, 2010 will be my fun year!