Spoilt

It is natural to strive for more in one's life. But when must we stop and accept that what we have is more than enough?

Take for example, a typical conversation between two friends. One complains that they have to work one hour extra that day. The other sympathises and relays her own story about how she has to cook and clean for herself that night. How laborious. I stop to think that if this conversation were taken out of its context and placed in a completely different situation, each person's complaints would seem trivial and irrelevant. For example, if these were two professionals conversing whilst in a third world country, or on a battlefield of war, their previous complaints would be blessings!

When do we stop and be content? Why is it so difficult to appreciate what is right in front of us. I have a great life. I am financially stable, I have a flexible job, I have a great lifestyle, I have a long term partner. Why do I take chances and risks that jeopardise that? Why do I strive for something more? Will I ever be happy with what I have or will I keep doing things that give me that "rush", that satisfy my immediate needs but then quickly fade?

I am spoilt. I should be grateful for what I have. I am one of the lucky ones in this world and I should not want for more.

City vs country

I want:

- to have more clothes, preferably designer

- pure indulgence in Europe

- to dine at Michelin star rated restaurants

- a house, one in a wanky suburb that borders the river

I want:

- more basic clothes that I am comfortable in

- to travel to base camp of Everest, to do volunteer work in underprivileged countries

- to buy Mum a tv, to send Mum and Dad on a trip to New Zealand

- I want to cook good wholesome food with organic ingredients

- a house, on a large block in the hills

Ever since I was young I have believed that I am a caring person. I swore that I would also try to help others whichever way I could, whether it be my friends, my family, strangers. 40 hour famines here and there, volunteer work here and there. I did this with limited time and limited money.

Now that I am finally earning money fulltime, I am afraid that I have lost sight of my childhood aspirations. When I lived in Perth, some of the people who I associated with valued material things too much. They talked about what clothes they wore, how much their car was, had a list of the suburbs that they wanted to live in. When I first moved to the city, I never fitted in with these people. I was a country girl from a country family. "Simple and cheap" was how my family taught me to live my life. The majority of those in my course were part of the "elite Western suburbs" world and thanks to my dynamic personality, I changed to fit in with them. Not completely of course, but enough to talk about designer labels, Michelin star rated restaurants, infinity pools next to gorgeous houses in acceptable suburbs. This world fascinated me and soon enough I was starting to want all of those things too. But then, the luxurious lifestyle these elite pursue started to lose its lustre. Once the glittering facade faded away, I saw through all their conversations for what they really said:

"I prefer to spend my money on restaurants that the rich can only afford to go to."

"The only interest I have in clothes is whether or not they are expensive, so that people can see that I can afford them."

"I am in debt but I have a ridiculously expensive car because it makes me look good when I drive it"

"I really don't like my neighbours but at least I can say that I live in the Western suburbs!"

"My partner and I aren't that interested in each other, but he has money! And he's got a successful career. Why spend time with him when I can spend his money?"

I was horrified. Was this the person I was becoming? Would I too only dine at top rated restaurants, drink wine that I didn't like, refuse to shop at any store less than designer, drive a car that put me in enormous debt, live in a suburb that judged me as soon as I walked out on the street, marry someone who was successful, handsome and rich but didn't make me laugh and probably had someone else on the side?

A conversation with a friend encouraged me to take a good hard look at myself and the sort of person I was becoming.

"When I move back to Perth I can't wait to buy a house"

"Where?"

"Hmmm a unit in an inner city suburb? I'd love to buy a big block in the hills though"

"Really? I saw you as more of a City Beach girl"

"Is that how you see me?"

I escaped. I remembered what my parents had taught me and I yearned to get away from the city snobs. I moved back to the country. Here I am surrounded by people who will look at you if you are dressed in more than shorts and tshirt, who announce their form of elitism through drinking, camping or fishing stories, who have no idea what Tiffany's is, or what degustation means. They are happy. I am not trying to paint an idealised picture of a quiet life in the country. Of course there are those in my town who earn MORE money than those in the city and who like to indulge every now and then. I think that is the perfect balance. I am ever striving for a good balance of the "city me" vs "country me". The main thing is that I should do/say/buy whatever makes ME happy, not what others perceive as happiness.

Give and take

I have come to a crossroad.

On my left is a reversion to my life in a committed relationship, back to the place he (and I) call home, back to the routine, back to my friends, back to adjusting my life to accommodate a relationship. Alot of give and take.

On my right is the complete opposite of the above direction. No more commitment to someone else. Completely selfish fulfilment, satiation of my own wants, my own desires without having to consider anyone else's feelings.

Or straight ahead is the same path I am taking at the moment. Perhaps neither here nor there, caught in a limbo of a relationship that is waiting for the future. This path is a dangerous path, not as well maintained as those on my left nor my right. It means continuing on with my plans whilst trying to make someone else happy as well.

I could always try going in the same direction, hoping that the potholes won't completely ruin my journey, hoping that I will eventually come to another crossroad when I am ready to turn in a direction. The risk of that is coming to:

A dead end.

What is love? (Baby don't hurt me)

What is love? I always thought that love is the selfless want for others to be better off than you are. 

Now that I am older and wiser, I know that love means caring for someone and hoping for their wellbeing. I love all my friends. I am the type of friend that wishes that they would all do well. I am also the type that wishes my acquaintances well too.

The problem is, there is a fine line between friendly, platonic love and the romantic love that fills the movies and popular songs. I care for someone. Does that mean I love them? I think it does. As I said, I love all my friends. Do I love them all in the same way though? I am not sure. I once read an article in one of those superficial magazines (cosmo, cleo, whatever) about a woman who used to date many men at once. She paralleled her experiences with men to those with friendships. "You never have one friend do you? You have friends that have different interests that you call on different occasions, depending on what you are doing and what suits them". I always thought that article was bullsh*t but now that I think about it, I reluctantly admit that it may apply to those I love. Friends, family, etc. 

Love encompasses all types of relationships. The problem is defining the line. 

We are all made of scars

I've recently been reflecting on the impact that others have in one's own life. A friend gave me a gift which bore the words "There are those people who come into our lives and leave an impression that stays with us forever. You are one of those people. Thankyou"

I've treasured that gift and that saying. I believe that it applies heavily to relationships too. When I was in high school I experienced the rawest emotion of love that tends to happen in one's teenage years. I used to think that relationships could be like friendships, that when a friendship ends or grows apart, I would not think about it, nor lament about it later on. 

Now that I am older, although still young, I have experienced my fair share of love and heartbreak. My views on relationships and love have changed, perhaps moulded by experience and the cynicism which I've developed from such experiences. I often hear stories about people who go through painful divorces but then find another loving partner when they are 50, that they stay with for the rest of their lives. I used to marvel at the ease that they moved on, used to question whether they really loved the previous spouse or not? I would also wonder how they could love another person so wholly? 

I understand more thoroughly now, that they have not stopped thinking about the previous person, they have just simply moved on. It's as simple as that. You can pause for a moment, then move on. Move on? Doesn't that mean that the past relationship meant nothing? No, it just means that instead of wishing for a future, instead of lamenting about the past, they are ready to experience a new future with someone else. 

One of my fears is that I will regret breaking up with a partner, or regret giving a possible relationship a chance. I fear regret. That means I find it difficult to let go of relationships. I hold the belief now that every relationship someone has have is like a scar. It doesn't hurt like the open wound of continuous fighting. Most of the time we don't even acknowledge that it is there. But every now and then we catch sight of a scar and we remember...We remember how it came to be there, we remember the story before the scar, the pain of the wound and how it slowly healed and became something of the past. I believe that relationships are like that. I don't think people ever truly forget those who have impacted so heavily on their lives. 

This is why I'm afraid of letting go. I don't want to be one of those people who lament for what might have been. I don't want to regret the decisions that I made. I want to move on and remember the good times but not WANT them anymore. Part of accepting that people are like scars means accepting that I will always think about those that have played an important part in my life, for many years to come. This is fine but, the unfortunate curse (and sometimes blessing) of being a highly emotional person is that the memories unlock associated emotions. I want to remember without wishing, without feeling the pain, without feeling the happiness. The happiness is the worst. It is the happiness which projects myself to another time and space where the realities of the moment are blurred by the misty haze of a romanticised memory. The happiness is always followed by regret. I don't want to regret! If only I didn't, I would have more courage to move on.

I want to heal without a scar.

To sleep, perchance to dream

Ok so this post doesn't have much to do with suicidal thoughts. Cos that'd make me an emo :-P

I am one of those people that needs generous amounts of sleep. 8-9 hours is what I need every night in order not to feel tired or fatigued the next day. Each and every one of us who has been a student in a particularly hectic course has tried to cheat our need for sleep. Each of us has tried to study/work/attend uni with minimal amounts and usually failed in our attempts to achieve maximum performance. I remember most of my university days cursing my body's need for sleep. I remember many conversations joking about inventing a pill that equated to a few hours of sleep. "Wouldn't we be rich from that! No need to sleep anymore!"

So why DO we need sleep? It seems like such a silly concept. For the body (and mind) to require a complete shut down for a third of the day. Is it because we need a rest period for our brain to process and catalogue all that we did during the day? I think it has much more to do with the mind resting than the body. It's funny how biological beings require rest to perform better. However, with something like a car, it will run for longer kms if left running (eg like the cars used for taxis) than being turned on and off again continuously. I guess if we stayed awake all the time, the mind wouldn't be able to keep up and short circuit or something. But then wouldn't that be a flaw of design? Why not have a brain that can actively process and put away concepts and thoughts whilst we are awake. And it's not like our brain isn't active during sleep. We dream. 

I dream alot. I dream of random things. REALLY random things. From buying chicken wings and juice on special (so that I open up the fridge and wonder where I put them? Nope must have dreamt about it!) to dreaming of being a young Chinese girl in a war torn country. I find that my dreams are in colour and I can remember in great detail. One dream I had, I could remember flicking through pages of a clothes magazine. It's amazing to think that my mind CREATED this magazine, the format, what the model looked like, what position the model was in, the clothes the model was wearing, the font that the descriptions were written in. And sometimes when I wake up I can remember the smells in my dream, or even the taste. 

One of my friends told me that he hardly dreamt at all, or if he knew he did then he wouldn't remember them, let alone them be as vivid as mine. They say that vivid dreams indicate that you have a creative mind. Now it would be good if I could harness this for my art!

Emotion vs Logic

Ah, the age old conflict. Logic vs emotion. Head vs heart. Irrational vs rational. It drives me ABSOLUTELY INSANE!

I am an emotional person. Or rather, I tend to make decisions and actions based on my emotion. Don't get me wrong! I am not completely devoid of making calculated decisions. I am an intelligent person who is in a science based field of work. So it is often that my head and my heart clash. 

Whenever I become affected emotionally, my "logical" self will soothe my "emotional self" with practical solutions,  the reassurance that I will "feel better soon" and recommendations for the right decision. The "logical self" would win in a person who tends to be more rational. They are able to reign in their emotions and act upon the most sensible action. I know that this is often the best way to be, it makes SENSE in daily life and enables one to get one with life without being completely enslaved by one's feelings.

I wish this were me! I often hear my "logical self" pleading with my helpless "emotional self" to calm down and wait the storm through before making any rash decisions or actions. Often, to my dismay, does my "emotional self" ignore this sound advice and become entrenched in irrational behaviours or at least let my emotions affect my daily routine. 

It is difficult for me to let "logical self" take control. Once I am swept up in my feelings, I tend to physically feel uncomfortable. I can't stand this feeling. I need to purge, to release my emotions, to act rashly. I do know that the emotion will often not last very long but I cannot hold it in, I need to say what makes me uncomfortable, I need to question what upsets me, I need to release! If I let it build up inside it feels like a huge fireball burning away. My anger and sadness can often get so intense that I cannot see clearly. 

This is my danger zone. "Logical self" will often say 'You will not feel this way for very long, so just stop talking, stop thinking and just breathe'. When "logical self" wins and the fireball has fizzled away, "emotional self" retreats back to it's corner and I am back to my cool, calm, collected self that most people see on my exterior. Then I always promise to myself that next time I will listen to "logical self" more and ride out the emotional storm without doing anything I will regret. Then I feel content, wonder how emotional self gained so much control of me and chide myself for letting my emotions get such a firm hold of me! 

That is...until the next time! >_<

Each of us is truly unique, just like everybody else

I was driving my car down the highway bathing in it's blue shiny V8 glory. I overtook an old wagon with great ease, patted the dash to affirm my belief in my car's superiority over others on the road. 

It was then I thought to myself, "Why do I care about how fast my car is?" It is merely a vehicle which gets me from A to B. Regardless of size, shape, colour, engine capacity, every car serves the basic function of transporting people (and/or goods) from one place to another. 

My thought bubble expanded to include other things in our life. Every good is made to serve a basic function but is then improved, expanded, strengthened etc etc until you remain with something that is slightly reminiscent of the basic model. 

I am no economist (heck I never did anything but one semester of economics in high school and that explained demand and supply in the simplest of terms!) but I do realise that the product dynamics of today's society are largely driven by capitalism. There are those who think that greed is synonymous for capitalism. I don't think this is true.

But why does capitalism work? The latest recession may indicate that it HASN'T worked. Ok. So why doesn't communism work? Why do we all strive for more than the minimum?

Because we all want to be unique. We all want to be better. We are all inherently greedy. For some people, they strive to be better for themselves. For others, it is so other people will think that they are better. I find it a problem when others purchase brands so as only to appease others. 

I believe that there are products that are worth paying more for than just "what will do the job". I believe that it is important to recognise that everyone is truly unique. However, I think that there is always a challenge to be faced. I believe that everyone should strive to be a better person within.

0-100 points theory

One of my close friends has a theory. It is called the 100 points theory.

The basic principle of the theory is that everyone in the world has 100 points. These points are distributed in different skills and aspects that make up any person. For a simplified example, a model may have 80 points in looks, leaving 20 points for intelligence. Whereas a computer nerd may have 90 points for intelligence but 10 for looks. 

There are of course other aspects to people's characteristics like charisma, business skills, musical talent, fitness, artistic talent etc etc. The theory claims that everyone is essentially equal. My friend also says that these points do not necessarily manifest in the persons life. For example, a man who has lost all his money due to bad business skills may have a large weighting to something like chess playing. So if he had the opportunity to recognise and develop this talent it would get him far in the chess playing world. However, this opportunity may never arise and he may just die homeless in a gutter!

I have a few problems with this theory. 

1. I don't believe that everyone has equal points. There are definitely those in the world who are quite skilled at many things and blessed with many fruits of success. There are also those people who are terribly "unlucky" and lead a simple mediocre life. 

2. If the "skill" doesn't manifest itself then why should it be significant? What use is a chess playing championship to a homeless guy? Wouldn't he rather have more points in business management? Surely 1 point in business skills trumps the 1 point in chess skill. So I think that different skills should have different "weightings".

So MY theory is that everyone is on a scale of 0-100 points.

0 points means that the person isn't compatible with life! Eg a baby who is born with a heart defect.

100 points are those people who are talented with everything and enjoy bountiful successes in their life. Beautiful, intelligent, artistic, musical, great parents etc.

Majority of the population falls somewhere in between. 

Can we still be friends?

I have a few questions.

1. Can members of the opposite sex maintain a close, yet completely platonic friendship?

2. Is it possible to have a physical relationship with someone without either party getting attached?

3. Once the line has been "crossed" is it possible to go back to the way things were?

From my recent observations of my friend's personal lives it seems like the answer for all of the above is a cynical, straightforward no. No. NO!

So if we have the answer/result/solution to the question why must I digress further?

Because often the explanation offers much more than the answer itself. 

In the end it all comes down to emotion. Perhaps I believe that a straight out NO is the answer because I am a rather emotional person. That means that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I cannot feign happiness, consideration, cannot hide my hurt. So for me that means if I have any kind of interaction with one who would provoke emotion, I must have no more unresolved feelings, no regrets, no hurt pride, nothing. I cannot feel anything for this person anymore. 

I often used to wonder why my fellow teenage classmates used to hook up regularly on weekends with their friends. Why not just go out with them? Then I began to think that if you are friends with someone of the opposite sex and you get along with them well, and they are rather attractive, then of course there would be temptation there. For those who have no inhibitions about fulfilling their physical desires it wouldn't make sense to refuse. So if you spend lots of time with someone and ENJOY spending your time with them, whilst all the while being completely aware of how they look...something is BOUND to happen.

So what happens when a good friendship crosses the line? I believe that if there is no emotional attachment then it is possible to go back to being friends. But there is rarely a mutual indifference about the matter. It is also difficult to forget about the incident if you are friends with the person because you have to see them all the time! 

The movie "When Harry met Sally" was about these very topics. The silly thing was that they actually ended up together after hooking up! That was meant to be the happy ending and it was a wonderful happy ending! However, sometimes I wish the happy ending was that they could move past their attraction and maintain their friendship. As the saying goes "lovers come and go but friends are the ones to pick up the pieces". Losing a friendship means losing someone who will be there for you in the long run. It's just not worth it.

New beginnings in a vaguely familiar place

My decision to move to the North West was not a hasty one. It was not like I was running away from anything. Ha! If I WAS running away I would have accepted the job on the East Coast. Or maybe I would have turned down the offer here and continued my (rather expensive) pursuit in Brisbane and Sydney. 

But as they say, "it was not meant to be". 

It is a lazy Sunday afternoon. I am by myself. As I expected to be. I was worried that I'd be lonely. Worried that I'd crave human contact that I'd rarely miss out on when I was in Perth. Surprisingly I haven't experienced any sort of longing. I do miss my family. I do miss my friends. I do miss my partner. I do love to plan my future escapes away from my current place of residence. However, I don't HATE being alone. I don't even TOLERATE it. I LIKE it! I appreciate my moments of alone time. Where I have nothing to do but think. Which is a big reason to why I started this blog. Alone time is good. Ha! Who would have thought! From the girl that can't even STUDY by herself!

The purpose of a blog

I've always felt the need to write down my thoughts, whether in a journal, or a letter, or a blog (technology eh?). Of course, being available to public scrutiny changes what I will write in here. I cannot be as honest as I am with myself. Is that deceitful? I don't think so. I am quite open and honest in person so my online postings are nothing that I wouldn't share with anyone normally.

I am proud of the fact that I am not one of "those" girls who keeps their true self hidden behind a shimmering facade of perfection. Aesthetics or otherwise. 

But there are things that I prefer to keep to myself. Just like everyone else. This blog will be just that, a collection of my "rambles". Mostly they are for me but, like I said before, I have written them with the knowledge that others will read them as well. It will be good to look back one day and see the sort of person I have become and the journey I have taken to get from here to there. 

I hope my destination is where I wished I would end up.